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A Death Forthright

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

2:43AM - Wow it's been....how many years?

And this thing is still active? That's pretty badass -Artie

Current mood: surprised

Sunday, September 4, 2005

2:03PM - Running around with a pot lid to my chest holding everything in

Overall an akward weekend. I was supposed to go upstate to see my ex and her sister in college but my ex and I thought it might not be a good idea since we might breakout into an arguement. So I decided to stick around here plus with gas being an anal molesting 3.67 in some areas it would have killed whatever money I had for the next 2 weeks. Well regardless it's been interesting to say the least. Thursday night I hit a bar and played volleyball [I won all 4 of my games] then Friday I went to chili's, a bar, drankat home then my friend picked me up and we hit the diner. Last night was the one time I didn't drink. Gahdamn I could go for one. My friend is having a kegger but I don't feel like getting out of the house today. I just feel so tired and all I want to do is maybe play wow

Current mood: blah

Sunday, August 29, 2004

11:26PM - How I feel

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Current mood: angry

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

9:03PM

Horray new LI setup! Artwork done by me! LOOK AT IT





LOOK AT IT!! -Artie

Current mood: tired

8:20PM - "Love=choking, betrayal, hate, love"

What is it like when the ony you love keeps you at arms length can only make you feel dead inside



"Love=choking, betrayal, hate, love" by Artie DJ



"Hanging by a distance with my out stretched hand as you walk away
tell me to wait a bit longer and the rope ties it's self around my neck
when you come back to me it just might loosen, walk away and it tightens
what did I do to deserve this, what did I do to make you walk away
I cared and you do this
Shove the blades into my back, make me arch an agony
like those times I made you arch during love
slice my arms to show the only thing I have left
and with common decency you walk away
leave me to die the only way you know how
I hate what you did to me I fucking hate what you did to me
but if it's all the same I love you"

Current mood: tired

Sunday, July 18, 2004

10:21PM - "Counting these hours" by Artie DJ

This one is about finding someone you care deeply for and never being able to see them. To grow to never want to know what it even takes to come close to love and to purge all the hurt away



"Counting these hours" by Artie DJ


"I'm growing colder, waiting for you
waiting for something, right by the phone
I'm constantly breathing, frustrating and lonely
for a world beyond me where I'm not forgotten
acknowledge that fact I'm not here forever
I shall disown thee
Leave me in a doorless room and you can see
every shred of damage done to me
I want the sunshine from your face to reach to mine
I want the world you promise me
I want your ruby red on my cheeck
but not if it makes me bleed
I'd spill so much, in your name alone
none but mine as I write your name on these walls
Porcelin shadows dance in darkness as you sing so gently
bring a tear to me eye that burns sulfur
I'd take back it all back in exchange for the peice of mind I once lost
it's not your fault, nor is it mine
the time strikes this year and divides us
it's fate at it's worst
but could you promise me one thing my love
kiss my lips and take my this time away and heal me
cause if your not here to give it to me
I don't want to know..." -Artie

Current mood: gloomy

Friday, July 16, 2004

2:29AM - The sound of a slug hitting the chamber will make anyone shit themselves

I know I haven't updated in a long time and I said I would. Feel free to kick my ass whenever you wish.

Basically I'm undergoing some stresses. As some may know I was planning on moving to cali but decided that if I move there it will be just as stressful as LI was. So PA is the next place. I did the math and planning and will go for it beginning of next year. However I'm going solo. It's not fun in that respect.

My arthritis is coming back. I used to run when I was little, jump up and land on my knees. Not a good idea now that I think about it. I have little cartalidge left in them. But my left leg (hip, knee and foot) all have it. F00k

Other then that life is peachy -Artie

Current mood: awake

Thursday, June 3, 2004

2:17AM - The Months Past: Sleep Deprivation

I've been having major problems sleeping. This has been going on for months. I wake up at 8:24 get home at 5:20 and nap until 10:30 and stay up until 3:30 in the morning. Now some people would say Hey! Why not just wait to go to sleep at say 11 and sleep the rest of the time? Impossible. When I get sleepy I get sleepy and I come close to passing out. I never get tired if I'm driving it just never has happen. I would do what I used to and drive until it got late but dropping 40 bucks in my tank has lost it's vinere. Doctors have drugged me up (and trust me when I say drugged up. For a time I was on 3 sleep meds) but I stopped when I knew they were highly addictive. Ambien was the closest of all the ones I took that worked and worked very well. It kicks your ass 5 ways to bed and I'm serious. Ambien makes you feel drunk and high but take it and times it by 3. I would be sleeping within 40 minutes but waking up was a challenge. Often time it made me feel sick. After sometime I just stopped...I had to it wasn't working nor was it healthy. Sleep sounds so good right now it's just not coming fast enough -Artie

Current mood: sick

2:10AM

I don't know why but I feel sick the later at night it gets. This sucks...now that I think about it...I do know why -Artie

Current mood: sick

Wednesday, June 2, 2004

12:15AM

I took my nap when I got home from work. I got up at 10:20 more drained then I was previous. Good lord I can use a vacation. Perhaps I'll look into one soon. Not much to write due to the lack of life -Artie

Current mood: blah

Tuesday, June 1, 2004

1:35AM

Crap I don't feel so good.....

Current mood: blah

Monday, May 31, 2004

7:30PM - I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack!

Long time no type. Yeah I know I've been in my own world doing here and there and never anytime to write something that isn't a two sentence crapfest.

All I have to say was that the past few months weren't pretty. Not bad but not nice at the same time. Everything is fine now so all is well.


Lately I've been feeling like this:


Isn't it pretty. Zombies are fun. Ninja Zombies rule.

For the past few I've become a manga addict. I've been reading Lone Wolf and Cub, King of Hell, Priest and a few others. I can't put them down when I read. I'll read from 1am and stop around 5-6am. I love it. But I need more.

Yeah I know it's a crapfest of an entry but you know what. I wrote something...hell I put up a picture too so in a way isn't that what really matters? -Artie

Current mood: content

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

12:05AM

Is this thing still working? -Artie

Monday, March 15, 2004

5:30PM - 72 hrs by Artie DJ

"Sun shines and happiness is found once again
clam breeze blows your lovely hair again
I have found the emotions I lost months ago
and the guardman as slept in the booth once more
holding hands like it was a deja vu experience for me
when I turn my head it seems false tears would arise
my heart fights my brain
and my soul loses again
insert these nine knives in my back
disavow me and what you wanted
what I wanted was time what you wanted I couldn't give
I've been bleeding from my mouth by your kind
and I wish you were a figment of a broken memory
what can I do besides watch you walk away
what can I do besides feel angry at myself
what can I do besides empty every pill in the house
my
trans
gression
stems
de
pression
swallow and choke to feel better
swallow and choke so you can go away
and from this I erase you from my life
erase your comments, erase your face
erase your eyes, erase you from my life"

2:46AM

All I want is to feel loved by someone. Someone that could love me for being me. I'm tired and I need someone to hug me. I want a girl to call mine own . I want someone to cuddle and lil me to sleep and kill me while I am. Why do I feel like such crap. I wiwh I had a luv o cll mine oen :(

Current mood: drunk

Sunday, March 14, 2004

8:08PM

Sooo I'm writing in this thing once more. Odd you say? Very much so.

My weekend started out as bad. Friday afternoon to saturday afternoon was on big attack. Stress, fear, panic, the feeling of being rushed all hit me at once. The docs gave me more meds so now I'm on 4 different types of meds. two anti depressants, one sleep aid and another to take when I feel the agression and the panic attacks. It's like xanax but it lasts longer. Overall everything I'm taking makes me really unmoviated.

Lately also I find myself more and more withdrawn. I thought everything would be fine but it wasn't....fcuk I need to take my med!!!!!

Current mood: anxious

Monday, March 1, 2004

11:08PM - It makes the heart cold and the hands bloody

I'm not dead...just hibernating. I'll write soon I promise -Artie

Monday, January 12, 2004

1:15AM - "Cold Blue Sea" by Artie DJ

"200 pounds of stone cold paper weights
attached to a swinging rope
hanging on a rocky cliff today
I've held on to this for as
long as I could for weeks
hopeing it would stay ok
I've tried to pull you up dear
but I guess it's my fault
that I just gave in away
Now your dropping into the cold blue sea
what memories do I have when the good can't outweigh the bad?
and maybe it needs more time til you feel fine
but I guess it was never up to me to decide
Silent tension pouring into empty hollow gas tanks
cutting winter night air with dull knives
I'd feel warmer if you searched your pockets
to find many matchboxes
please honey can you help provide the light?
now in this night
there are no more soiled bounderies
we'll find some snow
and with words we will form ices
yeah I just want this over
but if over make everything so wrong
and we can't fix broken thoughts
then why does it feel so right? right?
Now your dropping into the cold blue sea
what memories do I have when the good can't outweigh the bad?
and maybe it needs more time til you feel fine
but I guess it was never up to me to decide
yeah I guess it was never mine to decide" -Artie

Current mood: discontent

Monday, January 5, 2004

12:02AM - "Love Letters and Black Lillies" by Artie DJ

"Shut your window and ignore me
as I open my mind and say how I feel
turn off the lights and turn your back
I thought I could understand
engulf me in confusion
it's my own fucking fault that it got to this
but tonight is the first time that I've come to comprend
and I don't want what I felt
and I don't want what I was
and I don't want your back facing me
it's only in time will you fell the need to talk to me
but when the time comes will I listen
you shot my closure
and you shot my olive branch
only cause you wouldn't hear my peace
I gave you one rose for one so sweet to me
I doubt it's placed in an unfractured vase
but it's ok, yeah and it's fine
You gave me a dozen black lillies
inside my room hanging still and alive" -"Love Letters and Black Lillies" by Artie DJ

Current mood: aggravated

Friday, December 19, 2003

5:30PM

Stupid shit fell from my desk and I don't feel like retyping everything

blah blah blah need a remote kit for my back heavy gun blah blah blah

blah blah blah going to start taking off people off my friends list since I don't talk to them, they don't talk to me blah blah blah -Artie

Current mood: calm

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